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bathroom
Posted on 2006.02.02 at 15:30
and these our sometimes somethings.
hollowed out beneath the twilight
as we somehow sweep the brush and rind away from our together-mind.
these broken strings still exhale
a sussurus and tatterdemalion song,
its voice so lightly dances to and fro,
swaying loosely by the jutted bridge.
and music i had brought for you. it was never mine to give
and yet through parlous, chthonic searches
i had bound the tenebrous and troglodytic humming
cadence of Anubis, counting hearts in his dry cellar,
with the lissom ethereality of your floral summer dress.

so hand me that guitar for
inside i am left asunder
to ossify amidst blown out candles
for upon my passing i saw
the laughter of a young man echo
out to me from beyond his perch
beneath your wooden door step.
he sang his jeer, so crystalline;
intoned his diaphanous melodies.
no cracks nor hollow harmonies
no ruptured litanies.
it was there
it was pure
it was yours.

and those our thentimes whenthings.
it was never free nor unobserved.
the trees had heard our honest yearn.
in the deep and damp nescience
of a young and younger child.

bathroom

The First

Posted on 2005.12.03 at 00:59
She wanted that escape in beauty expressed in we-beingness. i wanted to know all of her.

so i rode my broken bicycle those twelve mountainous miles to the town of Los Osos, where she is from. i surprised her in the morning on her errand-run. the lastnight rain still puddled the streets as we, in her dying buick, drove through the green and brown hills of her home town.

and today was every First that you wish for.

we went to her parent's home. her father was in the back room, busy molding wet and hollowed mahogany into the shape of a harp. her mother sat tending to the fireplace. our arrival was warmly welcomed and we went for noontea in baywood.

her voice is lastnights rain on the rooftops.

her and i were winding up and down through spreads of eaucalyptus by the sunset. the cold water at the feet of Montagna de Oro rising to the rocky cliffs. this her and i so warmly there we were seated within the rushing waves of her Escape and my Know.

and soon i shall depart from her.

at night we drove back to this our valley. San luis Obispo. we sketched the outlines of our otherness in the livingroom on the floor. others came to celebrate the WhoKnowsWhat of this, our when. and i departed. always knowing that soon i will be leaving her completely.

and jacksonville, how is it that you know my past and all my Whys but still refuse my passage into that forever her's.

bathroom

Please Read!

Posted on 2005.11.22 at 00:47
i am very worried that what i am posting in this post is more or less correct.

if you could do me the favor of explaining where i have logically erred, i would be more grateful than you can imagine.

otherwise, the world as i have previously contemplated it has officially collapsed.

-----------------------------------------

i think it would be agreeable to most to assume that there are, indeed, ascertainable things that are fundamentally inherent in each individual being. personally, i would assume these to be only those things which stand as necessities for existence. such as food, shelter, sex, and so on. further, i would be willing to suggest that there are qualities strictly relevant to human beings that can be found in each of us. i.e. emotional capacities, intellectual processing, logical induction, etc. etc. the separateness of these two categories being based on that which is akin in our nature to that of all other animals, and that which is wholly ours. all animals, us included, eat sleep and reproduce. but rational thought and emotional tendencies seem peculiar to our species alone.

yes, yes, yes, these differences are obvious, there is no reason to go over them, right? one would think so... but if that were the case, where in the first category we have all the things that keep us, along with every other animal, alive, it would seem that natural inclination would show us a clear way of going about ensuring these provisions. and in the second category, where those things that we do not have in common with any other animals is represented, our natural inclinations as animals may or may not assist us in bringing about to the highest extent the realization of these qualities. according to the theory of evolution, they must. these peculiarities within us are within us solely for the purpose of aiding in the act of self-preservation. but evolution is JUSt a theory. so maybe they are there for another reason. one that we, as a species, have not yet realized. if this be the case, that we have these human inclinations, separating us from the natural world, that are present within us for a reason, as of yet, undefined, then it follows that, so as to maintain our status as an existing species, we need to ensure that they do not conflict too greatly with those inclinations that tie us to the natural world.

and so we come to the teacher. prophets, theologians, philosophers, lawmakers. these, along with many others, attempt to formulate functioning methods of bringing these two categories of man to a synchronized level. the primary goal of their station in our society is to develop systems of balance between natural inclinations and unnatural inclinations. this balance is called ethics. keep in mind that the premise to any ethical formula is the assumption that the human mind(used in the aristotlean sense) is not a product of natural evolution. if they were to assume that it was, then they would be assuming that it is intended as a complimentary organ to the natural processes of man. in which case, the balance that is ethics would be encorporated into man and not be in need of any systematic regulation.

do you see? is my logic incorrect? am i overlooking some gross detail that is distorting my comprehension of the cultural paradigms currently in place?

i hope so, because if not, then what this means is that any and all ethical systems are fundamentally flawed. the theory of evolution and natural selection is inarguable when one considers what we have learned of the past through archealogical and anthropological discoveries. in which case, all grounds for even considering the search for ethical truths to be a legitimate search, are gone. if the pursuit of ethics is to be continued through this, it must become one of a speculative nature. one that promotes no change in action; one that simply provides a definition for the state of affairs.

follow this through to its end...
let me know what you find out.

bathroom
Posted on 2005.11.21 at 01:24
it seems to get so far ahead of itself at this point. we agree that the means of sustainance that we have chosen is far more laborious than many of the other options presented to us. that the quantity of work put forth goes above and beyond what is necessary to maintain our own existence. we agree that each season there IS a surplus of food. we agree that this surplus is Always employed as a means of growth and not of moderation. it is such that we are working for the growth of humanity and not for the continuance. this is clear. we can guarantee ourselves a surplus of food if we control the environment in which it is grown. to control the environment in which it is grown we have to exercise a more vast dominance over, not only what is being grown, but also over that which might be inclined to interfere with the growth of our food. but this is where the system loses touch with reality. this is where it stops being clear. if we are providing ourselves with this surplus for the sake of growth in numbers as a society, and if we, do not wish to stop growing as a society, then there MUst be a continuing surplus each year for us to draw from.

does that make sense? am i a fool for not being able to see where and when we will be able to keep growing more and more food. maybe. but doesnt it make more sense to simply and completely change the basis and foundation for why we socially exist? maybe.

i just got back from my first trip into the Big Sur. while i was holding onto a rock, latched on at about twenty meters above the waves that crashed against my cliff, i realized the silliness of the situation i was in. i was deriving pleasure from the application of my physical beingness to the earth. the application of my physical beingness to the earth was something novel and unexplored. Me, an inhabitant of this planet, do not even comprehend (and even if i do, it is only a comprehension that is appreciated in recollection and not in action) the inner workings of those that wish to successfully inhabit this planet. i instantly became disgusted with myself for ever wanting to be outside for the sake of being outside. for ever attempting to feel a connection between myself and that which i destroy.

the desire for harmony must not be misunderstood. the free will of any entity must always be invasive and invaded upon if it is to be in the society of any other entity. however, in the absence of a dominating free will, there is still a strong dominance from one entity to the next. this dominance is clear and understandable. nothing is equal to anything else. some things are stronger others weaker. the stronger will always have the opportunity to express this strength at the expense of the weak. this does not prevent harmony. because harmony cannot be prevented. harmony is simply the complex combination of all things present at a given moment.

i had a lemongrass tea today and watched a table of people laugh at each other's jokes.

it is not within our power to live in a way that is not harmonious to all else surrounding us. the only way for us to not be in harmony, is for us to not be. so let's be.

bathroom

i hope you can forgive me for being so pop

Posted on 2005.11.16 at 11:43
so we seem to come to the essential notions of mystery at this point. the mysteries that have guided us to speculation. throughout the last ten thousand years we have been expanding our vocabulary for the sole purpose of forming doctrines in the shape of jigsaw pieces so as to at some point find them all fitting together. but they dont. these doctrines, these "because" statements made as responses to the "why"s will never fit together because the why is driven to recognition by the supression of an entirely human inclination that is directly opposed to our cultural sanctity. writing was not INVENTED ten thousand years ago, it was merely applied to the governing of man's continuation.
these doctrines can easily be seen as laws. God's law, The State's law, Dad's law, neighbor's law, store law, gravity's law, UN's law, Nature's law, your law. all can be percieved and carried out and attempted so long as they do not perform themselves counter-productively to the higher laws. we all understand this. it is why our personal sustainance does not outweigh that of a higher or more prosperous populace. it is why men destroy other men. it is why men do not destroy other men. at this point in history, one might infer that it is why men ARE men, that it has become a means of identifying us. but this is an incomplete inference, clearly. those laws that are in opposition with my own cannot define me. rather, they define he whom is governed by them. so that man is broken up into systems of adherence. THOSE men are THOse men because they follow THOSE laws. WE are We because we follow THESE laws.
but what was the identity of MAN prior to the existence of established laws. well, the immediate response would be that there was not one. our cultural interaction and the continuation of our method of existence are entirely dependent on the doctrines that we have created. in the absence of our doctrine, presumably, we would be thrown into the negative consequences specified within these doctrines. the religious man, in the absence of religious doctrine, would be cast down to hell upon death. the statesman, in the absence of the state's doctrine, would be reduced to a common poorman. the poorman, in the absence of the doctrine of poverty, would be transformed into an equal.
while within this culture of doctrines, we NEEd laws. we need them so that we are capable of governing ourselves away from our natural inclination. these laws convince us that without them, Man will fall to his pitiful state of natural flaw. they bring us above nature. make nature ours. that we are as flawed as nature without our laws. they are what make us BETTEr than all else. Gods Chosen.

but this couldn't possibly have always been the case.

it is why all revolutions thus far have brought about a heightened state of cultural control.


as the current pillar of salt disentigrates due to the rising level of moisture in the sunken celestial air, there is a flattening, a resurgence of surface as a basis of comprehension. i guess this would be analogous to the assumption that as soon as New becomes Common Place the New is seen in the distance and the now is unacknowledged simply because of the feeling that when it was new it was percieved in its entirety. leaving no room for differing perceptions of circumstance.

so... what's new is this next step. this going home for a minute, regrouping and going back to the moving onward that has somehow become anticipated and lost its novelty.

and yesterday i started taking the goggles of speculation off to see if those diced onions that bring those not-deliberate tears if their effects had subsided. NO. the air is still soaked with the stifling oils and acids of something that as of yet has not been consumed by my spirit. so almost immediately i recovered my eyes with those goggles of speculation. the blindfold of analysis. the awakening of the mind that brings us all to paralysis.

because it is essential to understand that this vehicle that we are all moving in is not moving because we are all in it. nor is it a vehicle because we all wish to be outside of it. this vehicle, this us going where/there, is us. and that where/there is actually just an interpretation of when/then. it is all an expression of continuation. if we continue to exist as a species, the vehicle keeps moving.

but those systems seem to be the kickers. because within the vehicle, within our species, our humanity, our people, that is where we encounter the discouraging accounts of interaction. but all the wars all the famines all the plagues all the slavery all the gentrification is within the vehicle. the vehicle is composed of these just as much as it is the good stuff that we dont want to lose. the systems within the vehicle are very simple to understand. simply because they are based on good and bad. so that the only way to work outside of the systems that currently have control of specific areas of the vehicle is to be expressive of that which is beyond good and bad.

I would refer to this as the Non-When. the absence of an anticipation of where the vehicle is going. the comprehension that it ONLY goes where man GOES. or rather, When he goes. therefore a speculation on any expression of this vehicle is a speculation on the continuance of man which, essentially, is irrelevant to any carrying out of ones own existence.

bathroom

Update

Posted on 2005.11.11 at 11:31
well, as of right now, it looks like i will be flying back to jacksonville on the twenty first of december. i will not be buying a round trip ticket. instead, as of last night, i have made arrangements to fly to Paris on the fourteenth of january and from paris to catch a train to southwest spain to work at an olive orchard for the duration of about four months.

of course, the specifics are still a little up in the air. instead of olives it may be horses. and instead of train it may be plane. but. all that can be worked out later.

so, i guess, for some of you, i'll see you on the 21.

but for the rest,

this has been an update on the current affairs of Hippolyte Leon Denizard Rivail

bathroom
Posted on 2005.11.08 at 13:55
so i guess it was about two weeks ago when thomas and i woke up in west los angeles. the sun was slowly rising as the frying pan burned and the coffee pot dripped. he drove us to hollywood where we walked around aimlessly with one eye on the minute hand. we reached a church that sported a "free coffee" sign on its rod iron fence. we sat and i smoked a cigarette.

Got to the bus station. shook his hand. the bus drove north on highway 101 following the pacific ocean over cliffs and through arid valleys. those five hours, as i watched the western warmth through my tinted window, i reacquanted myself with that feeling of "now what" that i havent been able to drop as of yet.

five days ago i started working fulltime at Big Sky Cafe. i am a line cook. i get two cigarette breaks and a free meal every shift. i sleep in a bathroom on the second story of a hostel in a nowhere town of central california. at about seven every morning i am woken by the light bulb turned on by some new face that will be gone again by ten am only looking for a warm shower.

susanna is a girl. she is on her way to southern arizona to grow stuff. she thinks that candied oranges taste like those spoonfulls of medicine that noone likes. she sits outside beneath the orange tree when the sun is at its peak, her book cradled in her crossed legs. sometimes we talk about why it doesnt want to make sense to us. mostly she just laughs and gets surprised by bugs on dandelions.

there is an outdoor staircase to my bath/bedroom. at night i take the guitar and sit on the top step and roll a buglar while the stars shine brightly. sometimes i can see my breath in the cold. and sometimes i cant hear the distant sounds of midnight traffic.

bathroom
Posted on 2005.11.01 at 18:56
And in cool softness like that of warm rock on autumn mountain when the sun gives shadows to the wild and thorned roots of brush
like that on and off stepping through light stepping through those same rays of his November gaze in that soft coolness I sat. the linens on the line drying in anticipation of being folded away in some downstairs closet. The dough slowly rising through the morning waiting for the right moment to be double what it once was. And how it felt how it will feel again to be standing on top of that mountain with the sweat accomplishing its task with the aid of some east bound wind. As I stood I thought. As I stood I wondered if this direction I have given myself to this unheeding shrug I had thrown towards my beginning if this would truly be what I hoped I needed to find so as to form that foundation for future plans and arrangements. Future plans and arrangements. The then. And amidst no one. Silent on my silly California lump of rock. The then was still there.

A woman passed me on the street this morning. A long black skirt and button up brown blouse with graying red curls and stenciled frames. Her purse hugged tightly beneath her bosom with a brown bag smelling of smoked turkey and mustard in the other hand. She hurried across the intersection with the don’t walk almost done blinking its warning.

At the coffee shop the same man sat in the corner with his tea and toast on the table. Concentrated on the local section of the newspaper he tipped his cup just slightly between his fingers as he folded the next page. Plain white shirt in khaki shorts. Bald top with full santa beard below. he smiled at his own thoughts.

Instancy. The case of the spiders playing music. They weave their web and leave an open space for four strings to stretch by themselves. They sit there sometimes playing melodies on those four strings. a jaw’s harp if I ever saw one.

bathroom
Posted on 2005.10.31 at 07:28
well here i am. working at this hostel here in san luis obispo makin pancakes and pies and climbing mountains in my spare time. all those other plans the ones outside of here are out the window out this point. the sky is blue the air is warm and dry and this california this central california is so right where i am and where i will be for a while. the people here are also here. this is their plan b as well as mine. a glorious plan.

joy.


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